That's depressing!

I just logged back on to this thing. I am not much of a journaling on a regular basis kind of girl. Anyway, just read what I wrote last year in July, and it literally could have been written today. Does that mean, I have not got any better at parenting? What am I doing wrong? Is it my kids or me or both? Why am I having the same dilema, I need to read the sibling rivalry book again. I didn't finish and it shows.

Long time

As you can see, it takes me awhile to get things started. Well, that's not really the truth either. Time is a huge factor! One, I couldn't figure out how to get back on a few days later and on the list of important stuff this fell to the bottom. But now we are in summer mode, so perhaps more time for "me" is allowed.
Whenever I say "me" the selfish feeling comes to my heart. Am I permitted to act selfishly while being a wife and mother. The answer I am pretty sure is no. So I have to sneak time for myself when then are sleeping. Too bad I didn't believe in drugging them so I could have more time. Time to what you ask? Sometimes just to have silence and not have interruptions. This is my life you say? Yes, you are right. I dreamed and chose this profession. It is much more demanding and challenging than I ever imagined. My own mother didn't appear to be putting a whole lot into it but I obviously had no clue. Even what it may look easy or that your not doing something none of that is true. You have to be always thinking ahead. Anticipating the next tantrum, the next dinner, and next problem. Not that my days are filled with problems but with kids it is never ending. They either get along or get along fighting. It is exhausting.
I often wonder what am I doing wrong. I must be. It shouldn't be this chaotic or difficult to get them to listen and behave? Should it? Is this normal? You don't know either do you? No one ever mentions any of this during the cute baby shower. No it's probably some secret society. Don't say anything or they won't procreate. Keep them naive.

Nervous

Wow, I can't believe I did this. It may not be a big deal to anybody else but I am not even sure what my purpose is for this. Perhaps one thing that comes to mind is to do some journal writing about life, motherhood and challenges. Just regular stuff. I have been "hearing" a voice that possibly wants to come out to express myself, maybe I will do that. I recently have found myself puzzled by some decisions and choices I have made and need to make, about Christianity, my gifts, parenting, job decisions, etc.